A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman said.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' the lady asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, the lady said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
The lady said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Laughter is the Best Medicine
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays ... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said ... 'Screw the Preacher!'
Isn't senility wonderful? Look at the things you can say and get away with at menopause and beyond?
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays ... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said ... 'Screw the Preacher!'
Isn't senility wonderful? Look at the things you can say and get away with at menopause and beyond?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Seven Dirty Words of Heart Disease
Thanks to George Carlin we know there are seven dirty words you can never say on TV. There are also seven dirty words about heart disease that everyone should know:
• Diet – fat, sugar and foods high in cholesterol are known to contribute to heart disease; diabetes (also diet related) also damages the heart and blood vessels.
• Genetics – African Americans, Hispanics, native Americans all have higher rates of high blood pressure and heart disease.
• Stress – working too much, dramatic personal lives, worrying, depression; also feeding stress with too much alcohol and other drugs (Carlin reportedly went through drug and alcohol rehab in 2004).
• Smoking – constricts blood vessels and strains the heart and lungs.
• Inactivity – the heart is a muscle that needs to be exercised; even moderate activity is helpful, and losing 10 pounds can reduce your cardiac risk.
• High blood pressure – leads to undue stress on a variety of organs, including the heart; combined with other risk factors it increases the chance of a heart attack many times.
• Denial – saying “it won’t happen to me,” without changing your lifestyle, guarantees you won’t see a decrease in your risk.
“Advances in heart research and changes in the way physicians manage heart disease have made heart disease a chronic illness. Modern therapies, such as statins and the simple drug aspirin, together with our knowledge of prevention, have prolonged the lives of many people who, just 30 years ago, would have died much earlier,” according to Dr. Cam Patterson, chief of the Division of Cardiology and director of the Carolina Cardiovascular Biology Center at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine.
Heart Disease remains the number one killer of women.
• Diet – fat, sugar and foods high in cholesterol are known to contribute to heart disease; diabetes (also diet related) also damages the heart and blood vessels.
• Genetics – African Americans, Hispanics, native Americans all have higher rates of high blood pressure and heart disease.
• Stress – working too much, dramatic personal lives, worrying, depression; also feeding stress with too much alcohol and other drugs (Carlin reportedly went through drug and alcohol rehab in 2004).
• Smoking – constricts blood vessels and strains the heart and lungs.
• Inactivity – the heart is a muscle that needs to be exercised; even moderate activity is helpful, and losing 10 pounds can reduce your cardiac risk.
• High blood pressure – leads to undue stress on a variety of organs, including the heart; combined with other risk factors it increases the chance of a heart attack many times.
• Denial – saying “it won’t happen to me,” without changing your lifestyle, guarantees you won’t see a decrease in your risk.
“Advances in heart research and changes in the way physicians manage heart disease have made heart disease a chronic illness. Modern therapies, such as statins and the simple drug aspirin, together with our knowledge of prevention, have prolonged the lives of many people who, just 30 years ago, would have died much earlier,” according to Dr. Cam Patterson, chief of the Division of Cardiology and director of the Carolina Cardiovascular Biology Center at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine.
Heart Disease remains the number one killer of women.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
No Bailout for the Auto Industry
It seems everyone wants a piece of this $700 billion bailout plan. Lawmakers representing states with large numbers of auto workers urged the Bush administration Monday to use part of a bailout plan to prevent U.S. automakers from collapsing under a weak economy.
I've got a better solution. MAKE BETTER VEHICLES!
The big three automakers have unloaded big flashy, gas guzzlers---called Sports Utility Vehicles---onto the American public with no regard for energy conservation. Unfortunately, many of us bought into the hype that bigger was really better.
One of every four automobiles sold in the United States is a sports utility vehicle. Every SUV purchase produces $15,000 in revenue for the vehicle''s maker. With high consumer demand and lucrative sales potential, the makers of SUVs have been accused of allowing safety to take the back seat when it comes to the design and production of their products.
Sports utility vehicle accident statistics show that SUVs are three times more likely to rollover in a single vehicle accident than any other car on the road. Of all vehicle accidents, rollover crashes are among the most fatal. Sports utility vehicle accident statistics comprise only three percent of the total number of accidents, yet three times that number of SUVs is involved in fatal rollover accidents. Sixty three percent of all SUV deaths and 46 percent of all SUV injuries are the result of rollover every year. (Source: Online Lawyer Resource)
Although we don't own an SUV, the 2007 Chrysler Sebring my husband and I bought last year has been in recall at least three times. The first recall came less than three months after we purchased it. We are still dealing with a brake light malfunction that mechanics keep telling us is nothing to worry about. All I have to say about that is, there will be PLENTY for Chrysler to worry about should something happen while my grandson is riding in the car. So on second thought...they may, indeed, need some bailout money!
I've got a better solution. MAKE BETTER VEHICLES!
The big three automakers have unloaded big flashy, gas guzzlers---called Sports Utility Vehicles---onto the American public with no regard for energy conservation. Unfortunately, many of us bought into the hype that bigger was really better.
One of every four automobiles sold in the United States is a sports utility vehicle. Every SUV purchase produces $15,000 in revenue for the vehicle''s maker. With high consumer demand and lucrative sales potential, the makers of SUVs have been accused of allowing safety to take the back seat when it comes to the design and production of their products.
Sports utility vehicle accident statistics show that SUVs are three times more likely to rollover in a single vehicle accident than any other car on the road. Of all vehicle accidents, rollover crashes are among the most fatal. Sports utility vehicle accident statistics comprise only three percent of the total number of accidents, yet three times that number of SUVs is involved in fatal rollover accidents. Sixty three percent of all SUV deaths and 46 percent of all SUV injuries are the result of rollover every year. (Source: Online Lawyer Resource)
Although we don't own an SUV, the 2007 Chrysler Sebring my husband and I bought last year has been in recall at least three times. The first recall came less than three months after we purchased it. We are still dealing with a brake light malfunction that mechanics keep telling us is nothing to worry about. All I have to say about that is, there will be PLENTY for Chrysler to worry about should something happen while my grandson is riding in the car. So on second thought...they may, indeed, need some bailout money!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sex Can Get You into Trouble
...especially if it's a dog named Sex :) This was posted on another blog and I felt compelled to re-post it here. It apparently came from an Ann Landers Advice Column some years ago.
Woof Woof Woof!!!
A Dog Named Sex.
Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy” I call mine “SEX“. He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license. I told the clerk , “I would like a license for Sex.” He said,“I would like one, too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said,“You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said,“You must have been quite a kid.”
When I got married and went on my honeymoon,I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said,“You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do. I said, “Look you don’t seem to understand,Sex keeps me up at night.” The clerk said,“Funny-I have that same problem.”
One day I entered Sex in a competition, but before long the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,looking disappointed I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.“But you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that there is cable ,it is all over the place ,it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody over the dog. I said,“Your Honor I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said,“This courtroom is not a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that’s not unusual. It happens to alot of people.
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked,“What are you doing in this alley at 4 o‘clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Woof Woof Woof!!!
A Dog Named Sex.
Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy” I call mine “SEX“. He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license. I told the clerk , “I would like a license for Sex.” He said,“I would like one, too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said,“You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said,“You must have been quite a kid.”
When I got married and went on my honeymoon,I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said,“You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do. I said, “Look you don’t seem to understand,Sex keeps me up at night.” The clerk said,“Funny-I have that same problem.”
One day I entered Sex in a competition, but before long the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,looking disappointed I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.“But you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that there is cable ,it is all over the place ,it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody over the dog. I said,“Your Honor I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said,“This courtroom is not a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that’s not unusual. It happens to alot of people.
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked,“What are you doing in this alley at 4 o‘clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
My Changing View of America
Reprinted with permission:
I've been thinking all wrong! I've been wondering who America is and what America has become, trying to find a national destiny if one even existed any more. America is not the America of my grandparents...not by a long shot. Did you ever see a Norman Rockwell painting of an an African American family on vacation at the beach? How about an Asian American family with the grandmother in the back of a Woody heading for the north woods? Or what about a Mexican American boy looking googly-eyed at his Arab American girlfriend over ice cream sodas in the corner drug store. Or how about a Caucasian husband, carving knife and fork in hand, practically drooling over a Thanksgiving turkey his ebony wife is lowering onto the holiday table surrounded by their mixed race children with black grandparents and white grandparents grinning and looking on with delight?
Who are we? What are we? Can anyone tell?
I have made the mistake...and I'm just realizing it...in believing that America's identity lies in its past somewhere where things and people were better, but that is a fallacy. There has been trouble and evil all through history in every culture and civilization, and America is no different. It just hurts more because America has had an opportunity to be a nation of promise, hope and freedom and is using that freedom to make itself nominal. We are Rome. We are Greece. We are Good. We are Evil. But no nation has done better. Many have done worse. America is becoming what it is to be.
I have, until today, been frustrated by the mixing of cultures (notice I did not say "races") that, to my mind, erodes the spiritual bedrock upon which America was founded. But today, for the first time, I saw what America truly is...and I cried at my hardness of heart, lack of understanding and selfish, short-minded thinking.
Instead of a confusing mass of people with nothing in common generally, I saw today a glimpse of Heaven. And, even though Sunday morning is still the most segregated hour in America, this melting pot we call The United Sates of America is surely a representation of heaven with its diversity of men, angels and creatures; a diversity that makes us complete, not separate. It is love that is missing in America, not not the right political party or candidate.
Every time we say to ourselves or others, "If so and so gets in office it will mark the beginning of the end," we should step back and lecture ourselves on how to trust God again. The Lord won't allow great things to go amiss in our country if his people seek him. At the same time, we can't change the direction of our country by simply voting for a particular presidential candidate, we must influence our country's direction more by becoming involved in life at a local level, at a heart level. Instead, however, many take the lazy approach and only get amped up about the major elections and the like. It is similar with Christians who go to church and prophesy or preach or teach or simply complain and yet don't do anything outside the church.
Think of what we are really saying when we argue over politics. Are we suggesting that a particular political party is more godly than another? Is there not great fault among us all? And how can we ever change the world through politics? Obviously the platforms represented by politicians can change society, but do the platforms change the hearts of those in the society?
Christians have benefited from the political environment created in the United States but perhaps to their own detriment. We are not the new Israel. Our nation is not simply a piece of geography on the North American continent. Our home is not of this world, it is a spiritual kingdom. Are we really any earthly good according to how God measures goodness? We're really good at becoming indignant, and we're very accomplished at threatening with God's judgement, but how good are we at living life the way Jesus and the prophets have laid it out?
We should vote. We should have opinions...strong ones, but we should not fear for the future because a particular candidate gets in office. That reveals a lack of trust in the Lord. He is in control and will have his way in the earth. And although we may speed his will with our obedience, or delay his will with our rebellion, His will be done. God's works are more evident in hard times, so why should we dread them? He says he can work better through the weak than through the strong, so why should we fear not being as powerful as another nation? He says we should pray for our enemies, so why don't we?
The next time we are tempted to become animated over politics, we should ask ourselves when was the last time we committed an act of charity? Have we changed the world around us? Made an impact on a neighbor? What will change for the better in our spiritual lives if our candidate gets in office? Pray for America and our leaders. Pray that we will come to repentance as a nation without having to endure terrible hardship. Pray that God will show his love to our enemies, for if we can't do this, there is no hope for us at all. And if we do, the Lord will truly be glorified through us!
In Christ,
Tim
I've been thinking all wrong! I've been wondering who America is and what America has become, trying to find a national destiny if one even existed any more. America is not the America of my grandparents...not by a long shot. Did you ever see a Norman Rockwell painting of an an African American family on vacation at the beach? How about an Asian American family with the grandmother in the back of a Woody heading for the north woods? Or what about a Mexican American boy looking googly-eyed at his Arab American girlfriend over ice cream sodas in the corner drug store. Or how about a Caucasian husband, carving knife and fork in hand, practically drooling over a Thanksgiving turkey his ebony wife is lowering onto the holiday table surrounded by their mixed race children with black grandparents and white grandparents grinning and looking on with delight?
Who are we? What are we? Can anyone tell?
I have made the mistake...and I'm just realizing it...in believing that America's identity lies in its past somewhere where things and people were better, but that is a fallacy. There has been trouble and evil all through history in every culture and civilization, and America is no different. It just hurts more because America has had an opportunity to be a nation of promise, hope and freedom and is using that freedom to make itself nominal. We are Rome. We are Greece. We are Good. We are Evil. But no nation has done better. Many have done worse. America is becoming what it is to be.
I have, until today, been frustrated by the mixing of cultures (notice I did not say "races") that, to my mind, erodes the spiritual bedrock upon which America was founded. But today, for the first time, I saw what America truly is...and I cried at my hardness of heart, lack of understanding and selfish, short-minded thinking.
Instead of a confusing mass of people with nothing in common generally, I saw today a glimpse of Heaven. And, even though Sunday morning is still the most segregated hour in America, this melting pot we call The United Sates of America is surely a representation of heaven with its diversity of men, angels and creatures; a diversity that makes us complete, not separate. It is love that is missing in America, not not the right political party or candidate.
Every time we say to ourselves or others, "If so and so gets in office it will mark the beginning of the end," we should step back and lecture ourselves on how to trust God again. The Lord won't allow great things to go amiss in our country if his people seek him. At the same time, we can't change the direction of our country by simply voting for a particular presidential candidate, we must influence our country's direction more by becoming involved in life at a local level, at a heart level. Instead, however, many take the lazy approach and only get amped up about the major elections and the like. It is similar with Christians who go to church and prophesy or preach or teach or simply complain and yet don't do anything outside the church.
Think of what we are really saying when we argue over politics. Are we suggesting that a particular political party is more godly than another? Is there not great fault among us all? And how can we ever change the world through politics? Obviously the platforms represented by politicians can change society, but do the platforms change the hearts of those in the society?
Christians have benefited from the political environment created in the United States but perhaps to their own detriment. We are not the new Israel. Our nation is not simply a piece of geography on the North American continent. Our home is not of this world, it is a spiritual kingdom. Are we really any earthly good according to how God measures goodness? We're really good at becoming indignant, and we're very accomplished at threatening with God's judgement, but how good are we at living life the way Jesus and the prophets have laid it out?
We should vote. We should have opinions...strong ones, but we should not fear for the future because a particular candidate gets in office. That reveals a lack of trust in the Lord. He is in control and will have his way in the earth. And although we may speed his will with our obedience, or delay his will with our rebellion, His will be done. God's works are more evident in hard times, so why should we dread them? He says he can work better through the weak than through the strong, so why should we fear not being as powerful as another nation? He says we should pray for our enemies, so why don't we?
The next time we are tempted to become animated over politics, we should ask ourselves when was the last time we committed an act of charity? Have we changed the world around us? Made an impact on a neighbor? What will change for the better in our spiritual lives if our candidate gets in office? Pray for America and our leaders. Pray that we will come to repentance as a nation without having to endure terrible hardship. Pray that God will show his love to our enemies, for if we can't do this, there is no hope for us at all. And if we do, the Lord will truly be glorified through us!
In Christ,
Tim
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