All Baby Boomers Look Alike in the Dark

On Thursday of this week, I was shopping in Harris Teeter (my favorite grocery store) when the lights went out.  I'd never had that experience before, although one of the employees said  it happens there about once a week.

One lady asked how long it would take before the lights came back on so she could check-out.  That's when we discovered that although the lights went out in the store, the power for the cash registers were working just fine.  No problem there.  We may not have been able to see the price of anything as we shopped but the scanners at the registers would help us out.

When it was my turn to check out the cashier kindly asked me if I was a senior.  I have to admit I was taken aback by her question.  Although I thought I was looking good after an intense workout at the gym, I was certain the cashier  had not mistaken me for a high school girl but I sure couldn't believe she thought I was a senior citizen.  What?!  Are you kidding me!

I asked the cashier if she was serious and if she thought I looked like a senior.  She didn't respond to the question but she covered it nicely by saying, "Thursday all seniors get five percent off their grocery bill and I forgot to ask the gentleman ahead of you so I didn't want to make the mistake again."

Well, she did make a mistake but I didn't want to get indignant so I asked her if 55 qualified as a senior.  She said I had to be 60 so I told her if I was still shopping there in five years, I'll qualify.  Then I turned to the white-haired woman behind me, who CLEARLY looked like a senior, and said, "I guess we all look alike in the dark."  

And if it's any consolation, I did get some free seafood from the seafood and meat section.

What We Want in a Man

Isn't it interesting how our ideas of what we want in a man changes as we age.

When we're in our 20's.....

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

When we're in our 30's....

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


Our 40's........

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Our 50's......

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Our 60's......

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

The 70's.......

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Just a little humor from my girlfriend Maria.

Halloween: Baby Boomer Style

As you know, Halloween is just around the corner. Remember when you were a kid and you dressed up in your favorite costume?

If I invited you over to my house for a Baby Boomer Halloween Party, what or who would you come dressed as? Pick a favorite cartoon or storybook character from your past or your favorite actor/actress and tell us why you picked them.

I'll start:

If I'm having hot flashes, I'll come as Annie Oakley because she carried a gun! Otherwise, I would probably come as Little Bo Peep. I loved those puffed fancy dresses and I know I'd look really cute in one--plus it hides fat :)

A Baby Boomer's Life in Corporate America

My girlfriend sent me this email today, along with a note asking me if I would be a character witness if she had to stand trial for murder.

That told me she was having a ROUGH day on the job with her thirty-something "know-it-all" boss. I've been there---done that---and even wrote a book about it so I can feel her pain. What's a poor baby boomer to do when they have to put up with a boss who knows less but gets paid more?

In the meantime, here's the email she sent me:

PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell

WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle

PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day

WORK
You get a break for one meal,and you have to pay for it

PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off

WORK
For good behavior, you get more work

PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

PRISON
You can watch TV and play games

WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON
You get your own toilet

WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit

WORK
You aren't even supposed to make personal calls on the phone. And don't even think about sending an email!

PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part

WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens

WORK
They are called 'managers'

Diary of a Mad Female Baby Boomer

I can never pass up posting a great email---compliments of my good friend Kathy Walsh. Maybe Tyler Perry will consider this title for his next movie.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 44 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

How Stupid Can Some Baby Boomers Be?

OK...here's the story. A 46-year-old man in Maine, identified as Michael David, was busted in a Maine hotel room last week for selling drugs. But that's not the clincher. According to police, he sold four 10-milligram methadone pills for $15 each and then went to a nearby convenience store and purchased some lottery tickets. He won $1000! Of course, someone tipped the cops off that Baby Boomer David was selling drugs out of his hotel room and that's where he was arrested.

The winning lottery ticket was confiscated by police, who are calling David's winnings "proceeds from a drug transaction."

Maybe Baby Boomer David should've purchased the ticket FIRST and then he wouldn't have had to sell any drugs. But then again, maybe that's why he was selling drugs in the first place---so he could hit the big jackpot and retire from his life of crime.

Sister, Can You Spare a Cordless Phone?

Today I had an unexpected death in my home. My cordless phone croaked. It was a painful death for me because it died just as I was scheduled to do a telephone interview with actress and fellow baby boomer Nancy Cartwright. I told Nancy I’d get back to her in an hour after I trouble-shooted the problem.

I tried to put the phone on life support with a new battery---but no such luck. I tried not to panic or miss this wonderful interview opportunity so I went across the street and asked my neighbor, Adair, if I could use her cordless phone. She said she didn’t have one. I couldn’t believe it! There was actually someone who doesn’t live in a cordless world! Then I thought, “My next door neighbor, Kathy, sometimes comes home for lunch so I’ll ask her.” Several minutes went by. No Kathy. I had to do something so I sent her an email:

Kathy,

I'm hoping you're at work to see this message. Are you coming home soon? I need a cordless phone and mine is DEAD.

Beverly

I waited impatiently for a response. No response. Then I decided to go to the nearest store to buy a phone. Well as luck would have it, the nearest store didn’t have any more cordless phones left. What? Does that mean the whole world has gone cordless??? Yes, everyone except my neighbor across the street.

I finally found one and rushed home to charge it. The directions on the box said it needed to be charged for a minimum of 12 hours before use. But all was not lost because Kathy did come home for lunch. She saw my desperate message and responded:

“Well I was just sitting here trying to decide where to go read my book at lunch time so I guess I have my answer! I'll be home in 15-20 minutes.”

My neighbor, my fellow baby boomer, my friend Kathy saved the day! I’m so glad I know my neighbors. And I also know what I’m getting my other baby boomer neighbor across the street for Christmas.

My Mother taught me about Menopause.....

My mother taught me about menopause....in the weirdest kind of way. I used to think she was a deranged woman for the way she treated me but now I understand it really wasn't my mother at all---her physical and mental state were being controlled by the culprit know as MENOPAUSE. If you can relate read on:

My mother convinced me she could get me into Heaven: "You better cut that out before I knock you into Kingdom Come!"

My mother taught me about the circle of life: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

My mother taught me about the power of prayer: "You better pray to God that I don't kill you!"

My mother taught me about logic: "Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me about the weather: "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about receiving: "You're gonna get it when we get home!"

My mother taught me about horseplay: "If I've told you once...I've told you a thousand times. So when you get hurt, don't come running to me looking for sympathy!"

My mother taught me about wisdom: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about justice: "Why do we need the police? You have to answer to ME!"

My mother taught me about parenting: "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"


On a serious note, my mother did teach me things like respect, self-confidence, a work hard ethic and to stand up for what I believe in.

Whether I like it sometimes or not, I am who I am because of her influence. Menopause has a NEW victim.