Looking at Mom in a Different Way This Mother's Day

A year ago on Mother's Day I wrote a blog post titled Some Mother-Daughter Relationships are Complicated  In it, I talked about the challenges I faced with my mother throughout her life.  I wrote about her negative behavior, which I thought was some type of mental illness and our fractured relationship, which has been that way as long as I can remember.   

But today when I went to church and listened to the Pastor's message, I began to see my mother in a different light.  I think I gave her too much credit for knowing exactly what motherhood meant. That would have to be difficult if you had no one to nurture you, especially since my aunt (who was five years older than my mother) always took credit for raising her since their mother was dead and as the Pastor pointed out, we all know there is no training manual on How to be a Mother.  It is on-the-job-training so if you aren't trained properly, then you will go through a baptism by fire and hope you come out unscathed. Personally, I don't think my mother ever came out of the fire but I do believe she gave what she could with what she had mentally.

As I reflect back on my life, there are things I clearly remember about my mother going to bat for me as a child. When I was in elementary school, they used to do something called "tracking."  That's where you separate kids by their academic abilities.  When it was time for second grade, I noticed that all of the kids I thought were smart (and white) were all in Miss Malone's class.  I, on the other hand, was put in Miss Glendenning's class with the average kids (most of whom were black).  I went home crying because I wanted to be in Miss Malone's class and felt I deserved to be there.  My mother took me to school the next day, met with the Principal and the next thing I knew I was transferred into Miss Malone's class.  That was MY mama's doing I'm sure.

Another incident occurred when I thought I should be in the 2nd grade Bluebirds reading group (for the BEST readers) but I was in the Redbirds (a step below).  I complained to my mother.  She made another trip to the school and I was moved up.  That was my mama's doing AGAIN.  And I'm proud to say, she didn't live to regret her decision to fight for me.

Since I went to a neighborhood school within walking distance, many times she and other parents would rotate and open up their kitchens as the cafeteria and become the "lunch mom" for us.  She treated my friends as well as if they were her own---and yes, they got yelled at and spanked too!

She was active in the PTA and never missed any school events or performances I was involved in.  She made sure I did my homework before I could go outside or turn on the TV.

Before every High School Speech tournament, I would practice my Original Oratory in front of my mom.  She didn't offer much feedback but she did listen.

When I went away to college, she would call me every year on my birthday at 3:11 p.m. to remind me that's the time I was born. She did that for many, many years and then all of a sudden just stopped one year shortly after my dad passed away in 1983.  She also came to my Homecoming Weekend to support me in my quest to become the Homecoming Queen (I was 1st runner up).  And what I remember from that was, she rolled her eyes at the person who won.  But that's who she was.

She and my dad made me go to church every Sunday and I always remember her telling me to "look up and know where your help comes from."

My mother was bold and brash.  She didn't take anybody's mess and once you got on her bad side, you stayed there forever.  She wasn't the most forgiving person and she didn't bite her tongue about anything.

So instead of using this Mother's Day to reflect on my mother's negative qualities, I choose to remember the good things she did.  This is a part of my healing---letting go of the anger and bitterness I've felt and choosing, instead, to reflect on her redeeming qualities.  Just as the Pastor said, "moms give what they can in the best way they know how."  And why should I blame her if she just didn't know how to give it the way I felt I should receive it?

I may not have gotten the Mom I wanted but I have to believe God gave me the one I needed.

Millennials and Digital Dating Abuse

As the mother of a Millennial, I became concerned when I read the results of the annual Truth About Abuse Survey conducted by Mary Kay.  Yes, I'm talking about the same Mary Kay Company that created an empire by making women of all ages look beautiful and developed many entrepreneurs who show off their financial success with their trademark pink cars.

The survey implies there is a new epidemic spreading among our young people and it's called Digital Dating Abuse.  So exactly what is this type of abuse?  According to The Women's Freedom Center website, Digital Dating Abuse is "a form of verbal and/or emotional abuse, which can include unwanted repeated calls or text messages, pressure to send nude or private pictures or videos, and the use of social media networking sites to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Some of the signs of digital dating abuse include a boyfriend or girlfriend who:

• Tells you who you can or cannot be friends with on Facebook or other sites
• Sends you negative, unwanted, insulting or even threatening email, Facebook messages, tweets or other online messages
• Uses social media sites to keep constant tabs on you and constantly criticizing you
•   Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.  

• According to the Mary Kay survey, 1 in 4 young people say they have personally experienced digital dating abuse.  So if you are a parent reading this, that means your adult daughter could very well be a victim or the young adult of one of your friends. 

• 69 percent of young people believe their peer group is more likely to tolerate abusive behavior online than in person.
• 60 percent say they would not tell a parent or guardian if they were experiencing digital dating abuse.
• 76 percent of college students say they have been victims of abuse, compared to 61 percent of high school students.

The 2017 survey is part of Mary Kay's Don't Look Away campaign which works to educate the public on recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship.  

Parents BEWARE! 

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

When you’re a single woman over 40 years of age, finding companionship with the opposite sex can be a challenge. Gone are the days of Looking for Mr. Good Bar in a bar, or being fixed up with the friend of a friend. They're looking too!

These days, more and more baby boomer men and women people are discovering true love on the internet. I’m not knocking it because I did it and ended up getting re-married. But I have to tell you, I had to weed through some garbage to find him. You see, for every decent individual out there in cyberspace, there are at least a dozen weirdoes, freaks, and others who give the concept a black eye. There are men whose motives are simply to prey on the poor old widow, divorcee, or “I’m desperate” never-been-married woman.

Then you have many men in our age group are already married, gay or dead. So what’s a middle-aged woman to do when she wants to meet a guy? Here are some suggestions on some DIFFERENT places to meet men:

Why not try prison? I actually heard a woman on the radio recently talking about her upcoming nuptial plans with someone sentenced to 30 years behind bars. She fit the profile perfectly. She was over 40, had never been married, no children and no real social life. Before hanging up, she joked about knowing where her man was going to be at all times.

A Funeral: This is a great place—especially if the deceased is the “wife.”

Home Depot: Men love a woman who is good with her hands and is self-reliant. So go to the store and look like a confident women who can fix things. Strike up a conversation about that deck you're going to build on the back of your house and invite him over to help.

The Park: Walk your dog, cat, bird, rabbit or whatever! If you don’t have one, borrow one from a neighbor or friend. While you’re at the park, check out your prospects--make eye contact, smile, start a conversation about dogs, cats etc.

Sporting Events: Take a crash course in Football 101. Then buy yourself a jersey of the home team in your area and bring out that inner cheerleader at the game.

Where would you suggest?

Baby Boomers in the Hood--Part II

How well do you know your neighbors? In case of an emergency, could you call on them or vice versa? I’m happy to say I live in a baby boomer community where we actually know each other. I’m also happy to say our neighborly looking out for one another has been put to the test several times but there was one recent incident that makes me question how far one should go in “looking out” for their neighbor.

Here’s what happened to me: After my neighbor (a baby boomer diva) across the street told me her home had been broken into twice, I made it my business to become a “nosey neighbor” and look for anything suspicious.

One day, I observed an unfamiliar vehicle with temporary tags park in my neighbor’s driveway. The young man who got out of the car had a baseball cap on his head as if to disguise his face and he had a backpack on his back. That was definitely suspicious-looking to me so what did I do? I immediately got on the phone and called the police! Surprisingly, they came right away and I sat at my bedroom window to watch the drama unfold while staying on the phone with the police dispatcher. With guns drawn, two officers ran around the back of my neighbor’s house. To think that I would be responsible for helping to catch a criminal in the act was exciting! Minutes later, the police walked back to their vehicles but there was no suspect. Did he run and leave his car? Did they shoot him? Then the police dispatcher informed me that the person inside the house was actually my neighbor’s grown son.

It had been awhile since I saw him and he obviously had a new car so I didn’t recognized him.

The next time I saw my neighbor, we talked about what happened. Her son was pretty scared over having guns drawn on him. She said she figured I was the one who called the police and she thanked me for keeping a watchful eye. I couldn't help thinking what would've happened had the outcome been different.

OK…so there is a moral and lesson from this story. First, it’s good to be a “watch dog” for your neighbors but stereotyping people can get innocent people seriously hurt or even killed.

A Happy Funeral

I went to a very nice funeral today. I didn’t know the deceased personally but his daughter and I are baby boomer diva girlfriends so I felt it was important to go and support her.

Unlike the majority of funerals I’ve been to, there wasn’t a lot of hollering and crying going on. No one was jumping up and down and trying to throw themselves into the casket. The choir sang two beautiful songs that made you feel like shouting----but no one did.

A couple of friends of the deceased talked about growing up with him and his love for golf. The preacher promised he would give a short eulogy and he did just that. The children thanked everyone for their support---and just like that, it was over.

One thing that had everyone cracking up laughing during the service was a comment the preacher made about the fact that no one was crying. He said a lot of people who cry at funerals aren’t crying because the person died; instead they’re crying because they’re reflecting on how badly they treated the person when they were alive.

So if you think you’ll be crying at this baby boomer’s funeral, my advice to you is: don’t bother to come.

Sister, Can You Spare a Cordless Phone?

Today I had an unexpected death in my home. My cordless phone croaked. It was a painful death for me because it died just as I was scheduled to do a telephone interview with actress and fellow baby boomer Nancy Cartwright. I told Nancy I’d get back to her in an hour after I trouble-shooted the problem.

I tried to put the phone on life support with a new battery---but no such luck. I tried not to panic or miss this wonderful interview opportunity so I went across the street and asked my neighbor, Adair, if I could use her cordless phone. She said she didn’t have one. I couldn’t believe it! There was actually someone who doesn’t live in a cordless world! Then I thought, “My next door neighbor, Kathy, sometimes comes home for lunch so I’ll ask her.” Several minutes went by. No Kathy. I had to do something so I sent her an email:

Kathy,

I'm hoping you're at work to see this message. Are you coming home soon? I need a cordless phone and mine is DEAD.

Beverly

I waited impatiently for a response. No response. Then I decided to go to the nearest store to buy a phone. Well as luck would have it, the nearest store didn’t have any more cordless phones left. What? Does that mean the whole world has gone cordless??? Yes, everyone except my neighbor across the street.

I finally found one and rushed home to charge it. The directions on the box said it needed to be charged for a minimum of 12 hours before use. But all was not lost because Kathy did come home for lunch. She saw my desperate message and responded:

“Well I was just sitting here trying to decide where to go read my book at lunch time so I guess I have my answer! I'll be home in 15-20 minutes.”

My neighbor, my fellow baby boomer, my friend Kathy saved the day! I’m so glad I know my neighbors. And I also know what I’m getting my other baby boomer neighbor across the street for Christmas.

Find Your Baby Boomer Soul Mate Behind Bars

When you’re a woman over 40 years of age, finding companionship with the opposite sex can be a challenge. Gone are the days of Looking for Mr. Good Bar, finding him in church or being fixed up with the friend of a friend. These days, we have people telling us we can find true love on the internet. I’m not knocking it because I did it and ended up getting re-married. But I have to tell you, I had to weed through some garbage to find him. You see, for every decent individual out there in cyberspace, there are at least a dozen weirdoes, freaks, and others who give the concept a black eye. There are men whose motives are simply to prey on the poor old widow, divorcee, or “I’m desperate” never-been-married woman.

Then you have many men in our age group are already married, gay or dead. So what’s a middle-aged woman to do when she wants to meet a guy? Well, why not try prison? I actually heard a woman on the radio recently talking about her upcoming nuptial plans with someone sentenced to 30 years behind bars. She fit the profile perfectly. She was over 40, had never been married, no children and no real social life. Before hanging up, she joked about knowing where her man was going to be at all times.

According to statistics from the Justice Department, the nation’s prison population is becoming more middle-aged. From 1995 through 2003, inmates between the ages of 40 and 54 accounted for more than 46 percent of the total growth in the U.S. prison population. The number of inmates in federal and state prisons age 55 and older increased more than 30 percent from 2000 to 2005. They say that’s a faster rare the overall prison growth rate of nine percent. And according to the Southern Legislative Conference, in 16 Southern states, the growth rate has escalated by an average of 145 percent since 1997.

Where’s the best place to find a prisoner to marry? Probably in California where prison weddings are said to be a regular occurrence. Officials say about 20 inmates get married in ceremonies held on the first Friday of even-numbered months at San Quentin, and usually at least one death row inmate is among them.

Based on this information, I guess there’s no reason for anyone to be alone ever again, right?

Whatever!

Can Baby Boomers Find Love More than Once?

Chapter Two of my Book Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age deals with the subject of dating at middle age. I was single when I wrote it but am happy to report that I have since re-married. And guess what? We met online! So I say YES, baby boomers can find love and happiness with a new soul mate.

Here's my excerpt:

"My guy also had to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation about any subject, rock my world in the bedroom, enjoy working out (and have the physique to prove it), and appreciate my knowledge of sports. Because my job required me to make numerous public appearances, I had to insist on being in the company of a man who would make me look even better.

When I discovered none of those eligible bachelors were ready to settle down and I was, I had to switch gears and change strategies for finding a husband. I compare my experience to a shopping trip. I started out in the bargain basement. The men I met were either so cheap or broke that they wouldn’t even meet me halfway on a dutch-treat date.

As I became a more sophisticated shopper, I moved up to what I thought was a better chain. These were the men who would shower me with nice things but always, and I mean ALWAYS, expected something in return. And they didn’t believe in the layaway plan.

Then, bingo! I thought I hit the jackpot when I went upscale.
I thought I had found a true gem, only to discover years later that it was a cubic zirconia—an imitation of the real thing. I was convinced I was in the right department, but I picked out the wrong merchandise.

That was then."

I'm going to be in Baltimore, MD for a book signing and workshop on Saturday, August 18. Hope to see you there!

My Anniversary Trip

Quaint" "friendly" and "artsy" are a few words I would use to describe Asheville, NC. That's where we decided to spend our first year wedding anniversary. Asheville is one of the best kept secrets for tourism in a state known for tobacco and basketball.

I was hoping to go back to St. Lucia where we spent our honeymoon but being a Best Selling Author doesn't equate to being a millionaire (yet) so I chose a place I thought would be secluded and peaceful with a beautiful ambience. It also had to fit our budget and I didn't want to go too far away from my teenage daughter and my brand new car.

Anyway, Asheville is nestled in the mountains of Western NC. We stayed in downtown Asheville at a hotel called the Renaissance. Our room was on the 9th floor overlooking a scenic view.

The one thing that impressed us the most about Asheville was the fact that we just blended in. No one treated us like tourists. Every place we went we felt welcome and easily struck up conversations with many of the locals. It was really difficult to tell who the tourists were. Another observation was the fact that people who appeared to be homeless weren't walking around begging for food or money. They just "blended in" and no one seemed bothered by them.

During our stay, we toured the Biltmore House, along with several hundred other folks. The tour goes on for hours because there are 250 rooms and each one has an interesting story behind it. The gardens were absolutely exquisite! We also toured their Winery where they had a wine tasting.

Our first night, there was a beautiful fireworks display we could see from our hotel room window and that set the mood for the rest of the trip!

It's wonderful to be a baby boomer in love!

Be Careful What You Pray For

First of all, let me make one thing perfectly clear right from the start: Not all marriages are ordained by God. That’s my opinion. Just because you pray for a husband DOES NOT MEAN you will receive your “Prince Charming.” It just means that God will grant your request to get married and have a husband because that’s what you said you wanted and because He loves you. That’s where many women make their first mistake. When we pray, we must be SPECIFIC in our request.

Praying for a man will get you a man but will he be the RIGHT man? Praying for a man with a job might be a good start but what other qualities should he have? Tall, Dark and Handsome? Good Provider? Loving and affectionate? Sense of humor? Loves kids? How does he treat his mother? What is he passionate about? Does he place God above everyone and everything else?

The first time around I got just what I asked for simply because I didn’t know I could pray to God and ask for exactly what I wanted. God did His part by granting my request. But as I grew older and wiser I discovered I had prayed for the wrong things and then I had to turn around and pray to get out of the mess.

The second mistake women make is thinking you can change him once you get him. If God hasn’t changed him yet, what makes you think you can?

Today I am so happy to say I got it right this time. I have a wonderful, new husband but I didn’t pray for him in the conventional sense. This time I asked God to create a new creature in me with a renewed spirit so that I would be deserving of a good husband and God did just what He promised and granted my request.

I’m just a baby boomer in love!

A Baby Boomer in Love

This time last year I was preparing for a trip that would change my life forever. This was the second-trip-of-its-kind for me, but somehow I felt I was going to have an entirely new experience.

You know how it is when you go on trips. You’re looking to have fun----with no stress. My first trip started out just fine….maybe because I stayed in the dark most of the time. But my wise old mama always had a saying for everything and this one was “What you do in the dark will eventually come to light!” Oh yeah, she pounded that nail right on the head. That first trip was a TRIP from Hell.

My second trip wasn’t quite as exciting. There were no frills---no bells and whistles or white doves hovering over. I think as you get older, the fancy, frivolous stuff isn’t as important as the quality and real meaning of the trip itself.

The beautiful thing today is I feel just as happy and excited about the second trip as if it happened just yesterday. This week my “new” husband and I are celebrating our first year anniversary. We’ve gone through quite a lot over the past year but through it all we have persevered and God has truly been the glue to keep us together. It’s a beautiful thing to be a baby boomer in love.